Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
