life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
