i just sent this text using only my big toe
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize