I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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