awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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