True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
