I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
