Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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