I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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