new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
