Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
