none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
