You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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