Where is the hickey?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize