dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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