I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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