i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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