the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
