I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
