Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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