i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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