Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
