Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
