Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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