everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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