allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
