ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
