there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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