Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
