i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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