I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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