i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
