I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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