Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
