woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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