now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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