...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
