so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
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If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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