I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
