Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
