I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
