Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
