Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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