Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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