There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's blow job season.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
