just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
