I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
