No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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