Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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