Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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