her vagine was all disorganized.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
