dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
