I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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