Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
