No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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