He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
